How things can change is an instant

WOW...normally I am all about bogging the little things that are going on, but I am now feeling compelled to journal all these feelings I am having that only other moms going through this would know how I am feeling.

It all started with the ultra sound that Dan and I took all the kids too in anticipation of whether or not we are adding a brother or sister to our family. The technician moved the wand around my belly measuring every nook and cranny. Pointing out the head, spine, little feet, and hands. She then asked if we wanted to know gender, of course we did. ITS A BOY she said, and Chloe said " I know its a boy but won't it be a girl when it comes out?" she was so wanting a little sister to share her toys with. The tech than said she needed to go get the Doctor to have a look as well. I wasn't really thinking anything of this since I was just so happy to be in the room with all my kids, and Dan and finding out I get to raise another son. Dan had to go back to work so I told him it was probably OK for him to go. As soon as he left I lay there wondering why the doctor was coming in. It wasn't my doctor I was using a midwife. She came in and didn't say much, she got back on the monitor and began measuring and re- measuring everything from the legs to the little heart. She than walked out of the room and came back with a big book. I sat up and she said "lets talk about your age and your risk factors for down syndrome," what? what did she say? I began to blur at that moment. The next few things I write are little of what can remember from our conversation. She began to write down what a normal skin fold on a baby should be and what our babies measurement was. 5 cm was normal and his was 6.3. She than began to show us the bright spot in his heart and told me that it was a sign of a heart defect seen in down syndrome babies. By this time the tears wanted to come, but I was looking at Preston and Hannah who were looking as confused as I was and I knew it wouldn't be a good thing to have tears come. She than told me he had two bright spots on his bowel which was also a soft marker for down syndrome. She began to tell me how my chances began to double than quadrupole for a downs baby. She told me my testing options and what they could do right then. I told her I wanted to talk to my midwife. As soon as the doctor left the room, I scooped up Chloe and told Preston and Hannah that I needed to get out of there. I got in the car and called Dan. I don't really know if he knew what I was saying, but the tears finally came. The kids wanted know what was really going on. I don't know if I really knew what was going on either. I was at the office for 2 hours and started to get texts from everyone wanting to know the sex. I wasn't even ready to tell anyone. I wanted to be excited that he was a boy, but I wasn't really anything right then. I finally called my mom and told her. She told me that they are very special spirits and they are only sent to very special people. Well I didn't want to be special, I wanted a healthy baby boy. I had to call my sister Kellee because she would have called me at any moment. I told her and the tears began to fall. I feel like I can tell her anything and needed someone to understand what I was feeling cause so far I felt so alone. I began to look things up on the internet about soft marker and read stories of other moms who were going through the same thing I was. The next day I began to feel a little better and kept busy by going to class and teaching. I called my midwife and she wasn't in! The nurse called her at her home and she obtained my results from the hospital I had my scan done at. She called me right away and explained things better to me since I wasn't really listening at the appointment. Then she told me that I had a 1 in 10 chance of having a downs baby. At the time I was at the store with Chloe and stopped dead in my tracks and forgot where I was for a few minutes. She told me my testing options to know for sure what to expect. I knew I needed to know so I could prepare myself and my family. I also knew I was going to love this little guy no matter what. I opted to have the amnio test done. I am still not feeling the best about having the test but I am one for needing to know. I do not like these kinds of surprises. I have been walking in a daze for three days and have even reached out to the facebook community for answers. I began joining DS support groups and have been reading up on outcomes of these tests based on the ultra sounds and blood work (which mine was normal). Chloe keeps asking why I am sad, and all I can say is I am worried about the baby. She just keeps hugging and kissing my belly. I guess I have to find my faith in God once more. I am being sent these special boys for a reason and I guess its time to find that reason.