Corn Belly's

The kids and I went to Corn Belly's on Wednesday. What a fun place to celebrate Halloween. If you have not been there you need to go next year.

Carving pumpkins and making caramel apples

We got an early start on our Halloween fun by carving pumpkins and making caramel apples on Tuesday night. Of coarse the kids had to pick the thickest biggest pumpkins. And I had to carve every single one. Next year I am getting an electric pumpkin carver. If you trick or treat in our neighborhood on Friday please don't smash them.

Our secret weekend away!!

What a sweet man I have! With his busy year at work working on a new project and being at work 12 hours a day and some Saturdays, and is finally done!! And my last midterm being Saturday morning...well lets just say by the time we have any time alone we crash...dead tired(I am sure most of you with kids know what I am talking about). Dan planned this fun getaway to Lava Hot Springs. We stayed at the Lion Gate Bed and Breakfast. The rooms are so much fun. The have a secret room in the basement that is themed after the Phantom of the Opera. It was so cool we are staying there next time. We soaked in the hot pools, ate yummy Tia food, and relaxed in out Secret Garden room. The bed was so comfortable we are buying the mattress we slept on. I think we are now B&B junkies. We really like them. You meet lots of people. The ones we met this time were all from Sandy which was really funny. ANYWAY!! Thanks baby....you are the best...I am so glad I am marrying you!!

School Pictures 2008

Beautiful Hannah Fourth Grade Age 9
This is so Preston and the reason I had to keep this picture
Sixth Grade age 12

Hike up to Millcreek Canyon

What a beautiful day for a hike. We finally made it up to Millcreek Canyon for a hike on Sunday. Millcreek is my favorite place to hike. We did the Church Fork trail which is pretty easy. Chloe even did it with no complaints!!

UEA Fun Day 1...Witch Hunt at Gardner Village and Engh Garden Pumpkin Patch

To start off our UEA we took weekend the kids to Gardner Village on a witch hunt. I would like to say it was fun, however it was really crowded. We took the kids to the candy shop and around to take pictures of the kids....then we were out of there!! And then after nap time we headed over the Engh Garden pumpkin patch...talk about a fun day and an exhausting day!!

Twilight GIrls Night Out

OK who is game for this one?? I can't wait!!!

My most recent research on ADHD

For those of you who may not know, our son Preston has ADHD. And in my previous posts I have asked if people thought it was over diagnosed or even a real disorder. Well since I am in school, I use every opportunity to learn more about this disorder(because it is a real disorder) and whenever I have to pick a topic to research and write a thesis on, I will usually do it on something that has to do with ADHD. I had to write a paper for my Enviromental Chemistry class. I chose to do it on ADHD and if it is caused by the enviroment or if it is genetic. If you care to know more about this disorder I encourage you to keep reading....here is my recent thesis on it...and again its LONG!!

ADHD: Medical or Environmental Disorder?

ADHD is a biological disorder (with heredity playing a role) that can be exacerbated by social factors. A person’s ability to maintain attention, self-regulate, impulsivity, and delay gratification are all symptoms and, correspondingly, are prefrontal brain functions. Symptoms of the disorder often appear in early childhood (Barkley, 1981). A number of explanations have been brought up as to why attention deficit children have undesirable behavior. Goodman and Poilion have indicated that the majority of the causes of ADHD are attributed to organic problems (Goodman-Poilion, 1991). Their research indicated that genetics is the only presumed cause of ADHD, sighted by 48% of the authors they investigated. However, no specific gene responsible for ADHD has been isolated. There is some evidence that ADHD behaviors tend to recur in families in first and second degree relatives of ADHD children (Brakley, 1981). While ADHD behaviors may be related to social factors, with the exception of head injury occurring at a young age, there is no evidence of a single environmental factor either.

So is ADHD medical or environmental? Many of these factors contribute in complex ways to brain development. These include gene expression, heredity, socioeconomic factors, stress, drugs, nutrition and chemical contaminants (Gupta, 2008). There are many ways which chemicals can disrupt neurological development of the brain. We all know that a child’s nervous system is more sensitive to chemical exposures compared to an adult nervous system. Mothers who consumed alcohol during their pregnancy resulted in fetal alcohol spectrum disorder (Skol, Delaney, Nordstom 2005). Also pregnant women who were involved in methyl mercury disasters showed little signs of toxicity compared to their children who showed negative effects ranging from cerebral palsy to delayed development (Gilbert, Grant, 1995). A wide range of toxic chemicals in the environment have been linked to neurodevelopment disabilities which affect an estimated 3-8% of the 4 million babies born each year in the United States. (Gupta, 2008). Chemical toxicity was identified to cause damage to the developing brain. Researchers from the Harvard School of Public Health found a list of 202 industrial chemicals that are know to be toxic to the human brain using the Hazardous Substances Data Bank of the National Library of Medicine and other data sources (Grandjean, 2006).

Small amounts of chemicals, such as lead and mercury, were needed to cause neurological damage in most adults; only small mounts might be needed to damage the developing brains in babies, infants, and young children. The developing brain is extremely vulnerable to environmental agents such as, lead, mercury, PCB’s, dioxins, arsenic and toluene. Even small amounts can cause damage to these sensitive developing brains. Studies have shown that prenatal exposure, even in low levels, of any of these agents can result in lifelong reduction of intellectual functions and disorders of behavior (Needlemen, Schell, Bellinger, 1990).

Organic mercury compounds such as methyl mercury are among the most potent neurotoxins causing severe developmental problems. There is little information for possible toxic potential for the 80,000 chemicals registered with the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA). Of the 3000 chemicals produced only 23% have been tested for their potential to cause developmental damage (EPA study 1998).

Researchers from the Center for Neurobehavioral Genetics and other departments at UCLA have localized a region on chromosome 16 that is likely to contain a risk gene for ADHD. The gene may contribute as much as 30% of the genetic cause of ADHD. Others say it is 70%-80% because they believe the cause of the disorder is genetic. (The Exceptional Parent, 2002). It is still not known for sure if ADHD is genetic and chromosome 16 is part of the cause or it is environmental and chemical toxins are the cause. It is more than likely to be a little of both nature and nature.

Unfortunately ADHD children are more likely to fail in school and to develop disorders or antisocial personality disorders than are other children. Peers may see these children as immature and irritating and avoid them due to behaviors. ADHD is not a benign disorder and may have a lifetime course. The diagnoses of it in adults are increasing, only because treatment leads to improvement in families and social relationships. Treatment and results have different outcomes. Parent and educational training need to coincide as one to make it successful. To be able to understand the neurological, psychological, and educational dynamics, it will lead to positive outcomes. Early and effective intervention is critical to the success of the children at school and in society..

Bouncing off the walls(Kaden's Birthday)

Here is a fun slide show of my nephew Kaden's 3rd Birthday at Bounin' off the Walls on Saturday!! What a fun place for not only the kids but the adults had just as much fun bouncing and sliding!!

To be without a reference point is the ultimate loneliness. It is also called enlightenment.

SORRY THIS IS REALLY LONG, HOWEVER I AM READING IT AS A PART OF MY YOGA CERTIFICATION....SO ENJOY IF YOU HAVE THE TIME!!

In the middle way, there is no reference point. The mind with no reference point does not resolve itself, does not fixate or grasp. How could we possibly have no reference point? To have no reference point would be to change a deep-seated habitual response to the world: wanting to make it work out one way or the other. If I can't go left or right, I will die! When we don't go left or right, we feel like we are in a detox center. We're alone, cold turkey with all the edginess that we've been trying to avoid by going left or right. That edginess can feel pretty heavy.

However, years and years of going to the left or right, going to yes or no, going to right or wrong has never really changed anything. Scrambling for security has never brought anything but momentary joy. It's like changing the position of our legs in meditation. Our legs hurt from sitting cross-legged, so we move them. And then we feel, "Phew! What a relief!" But two and a half minutes later, we want to move them again. We keep moving around seeking pleasure, seeking comfort, and the satisfaction that we get is very short-lived.

We hear a lot about the pain of samsara, and we also hear about liberation. But we don't hear much about how painful it is to go from being completely stuck to becoming unstuck. The process of becoming unstuck requires tremendous bravery, because basically we are completely changing our way of perceiving reality, like changing our DNA. We are undoing a pattern that is not just our pattern. It's the human pattern: we project onto the world a zillion possibilities of attaining resolution. We can have whiter teeth, a weed-free lawn, a strife-free life, a world without embarrassment. We can live happily every after. This pattern keeps us dissatisfied and causes us a lot of suffering.

As human beings, not only do we seek resolution, but we also feel that we deserve resolution. However, not only do we not deserve resolution, we suffer from resolution. We don't deserve resolution; we deserve something better than that. We deserve our birthright, which is the middle way, an open state of mind that can relax with paradox and ambiguity. To the degree that we've been avoiding uncertainty, we're naturally going to have withdrawal symptoms—withdrawal from always thinking that there's a problem and that someone, somewhere, needs to fix it.

The middle way is wide open, but it's tough going, because it goes against the grain of an ancient neurotic pattern that we all share. When we feel lonely, when we feel hopeless, what we want to do is move to the right or the left. We don't want to sit and feel what we feel. We don't want to go through the detox. Yet the middle way encourages us to do just that. It encourages us to awaken the bravery that exists in everyone without exception, including you and me.

Meditation provides a way for us to train in the middle way—in staying right on the spot. We are encouraged not to judge whatever arises in our mind. In fact, we are encouraged not to even grasp whatever arises in our mind. What we usually call good or bad we simply acknowledge as thinking, without all the usual drama that goes along with right and wrong. We are instructed to let the thoughts come and go as if touching a bubble with a feather. This straightforward discipline prepares us to stop struggling and discover a fresh, unbiased state of being.

The experience of certain feelings can seem particularly pregnant with desire for resolution: loneliness, boredom, anxiety. Unless we can relax with these feelings, it's very hard to stay in the middle when we experience them. We want victory or defeat, praise or blame. For example, if somebody abandons us, we don't want to be with that raw discomfort. Instead, we conjure up a familiar identity of ourselves as a hapless victim. Or maybe we avoid the rawness by acting out and righteously telling the person how messed up he or she is. We automatically want to cover over the pain in one way or another, identifying with victory or victimhood.

Usually we regard loneliness as an enemy. Heartache is not something we choose to invite in. It's restless and pregnant and hot with the desire to escape and find something or someone to keep us company. When we can rest in the middle, we begin to have a nonthreatening relationship with loneliness, a relaxing and cooling loneliness that completely turns our usual fearful patterns upside down.

There are six ways of describing this kind of cool loneliness. They are: less desire, contentment, avoiding unnecessary activity, complete discipline, not wandering in the world of desire, and not seeking security from one's discursive thoughts.

Less desire is the willingness to be lonely without resolution when everything in us yearns for something to cheer us up and change our mood. Practicing this kind of loneliness is a way of sowing seeds so that fundamental restlessness decreases. In meditation, for example, every time we label "thinking" instead of getting endlessly run around by our thoughts, we are training in just being here without dissociation. We can't do that now to the degree that we weren't willing to do it yesterday or the day before or last week or last year. After we practice less desire wholeheartedly and consistently, something shifts. We feel less desire in the sense of being less solidly seduced by our Very Important Story Lines. So even if the hot loneliness is there, and for 1.6 seconds we sit with that restlessness when yesterday we couldn't sit for even one, that's the journey of the warrior. That's the path of bravery. The less we spin off and go crazy, the more we taste the satisfaction of cool loneliness. As the Zen master Katagiri Roshi often said, "One can be lonely and not be tossed away by it."

The second kind of loneliness is contentment. When we have nothing, we have nothing to lose. We don't have anything to lose but being programmed in our guts to feel we have a lot to lose. Our feeling that we have a lot to lose is rooted in fear—of loneliness, of change, of anything that can't be resolved, of nonexistence. The hope that we can avoid this feeling and the fear that we can't become our reference point.

When we draw a line down the center of a page, we know who we are if we're on the right side and who we are if we're on the left side. But we don't know who we are when we don't put ourselves on either side. Then we just don't know what to do. We just don't know. We have no reference point, no hand to hold. At that point we can either freak out or settle in. Contentment is a synonym for loneliness, cool loneliness, settling down with cool loneliness. We give up believing that being able to escape our loneliness is going to bring any lasting happiness or joy or sense of well-being or courage or strength. Usually we have to give up this belief about a billion times, again and again making friends with our jumpiness and dread, doing the same old thing a billion times with awareness. Then without our even noticing, something begins to shift. We can just be lonely with no alternatives, content to be right here with the mood and texture of what's happening.

The third kind of loneliness is avoiding unnecessary activities. When we're lonely in a "hot" way, we look for something to save us; we look for a way out. We get this queasy feeling that we call loneliness, and our minds just go wild trying to come up with companions to save us from despair. That's called unnecessary activity. It's a way of keeping ourselves busy so we don't have to feel any pain. It could take the form of obsessively daydreaming of true romance, or turning a tidbit of gossip into the six o'clock news, or even going off by ourselves into the wilderness.

The point is that in all these activities, we are seeking companionship in our usual, habitual way, using our same old repetitive ways of distancing ourselves from the demon loneliness. Could we just settle down and have some compassion and respect for ourselves? Could we stop trying to escape from being alone with ourselves? What about practicing not jumping and grabbing when we begin to panic? Relaxing with loneliness is a worthy occupation. As the Japanese poet Ryokan says, "If you want to find the meaning, stop chasing after so many things."

Complete discipline is another component of cool loneliness. Complete discipline means that at every opportunity, we're willing to come back, just gently come back to the present moment. This is loneliness as complete discipline. We're willing to sit still, just be there, alone. We don't particularly have to cultivate this kind of loneliness; we could just sit still long enough to realize it's how things really are. We are fundamentally alone, and there is nothing anywhere to hold on to. Moreover, this is not a problem. In fact, it allows us to finally discover a completely unfabricated state of being. Our habitual assumptions—all our ideas about how things are—keep us from seeing anything in a fresh, open way. We say, "Oh yes, I know." But we don't know. We don't ultimately know anything. There's no certainty about anything. This basic truth hurts, and we want to run away from it. But coming back and relaxing with something as familiar as loneliness is good discipline for realizing the profundity of the unresolved moments of our lives. We are cheating ourselves when we run away from the ambiguity of loneliness.

Not wandering in the world of desire is another way of describing cool loneliness. Wandering in the world of desire involves looking for alternatives, seeking something to comfort us—food, drink, people. The word desire encompasses that addiction quality, the way we grab for something because we want to find a way to make things okay. That quality comes from never having grown up. We still want to go home and be able to open the refrigerator and find it full of our favorite goodies; when the going gets tough, we want to yell "Mom!" But what we're doing as we progress along the path is leaving home and becoming homeless. Not wandering in the world of desire is about relating directly with how things are. Loneliness is not a problem. Loneliness is nothing to be solved. The same is true for any other experience we might have.

Another aspect of cool loneliness is not seeking security from one's discursive thoughts. The rug's been pulled; the jig is up; there is no way to get out of this one! We don't even seek the companionship of our own constant conversation with ourselves about how it is and how it isn't, whether it is or whether it isn't, whether it should or whether it shouldn't, whether it can or whether it can't. With cool loneliness we do not expect security from our own internal chatter. That's why we are instructed in meditation to label it "thinking." It has no objective reality. It is transparent and ungraspable. We're encouraged to just touch that chatter and let it go, not make much ado about nothing.

Cool loneliness allows us to look honestly and without aggression at our own minds. We can gradually drop our ideals of who we think we ought to be, or who we think we want to be, or who we think other people think we want to be or ought to be. We give it up and just look directly with compassion and humor at who we are. Then loneliness is no threat and heartache, no punishment.

Cool loneliness doesn't provide any resolution or give us ground under our feet. It challenges us to step into a world of no reference point without polarizing or solidifying. This is called the middle way, or the sacred path of the warrior.

When you wake up in the morning and out of nowhere comes the heartache of alienation and loneliness, could you use that as a golden opportunity? Rather than persecuting yourself or feeling that something terribly wrong is happening, right there in the moment of sadness and longing, could you relax and touch the limitless space of the human heart? The next time you get a chance, experiment with this.


Pema Chödrön is a fully-ordained Buddhist nun and the director of Gampo Abbey in Cape Breton, Nova Scotia. She is the author of The Wisdom of No Escape, Start Where You Are and When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times.

Six Kinds of Loneliness, Pema Chödrön, Shambhala Sun, July 200

Happy 12th Birthday Preston!!

I can't believe I have a 12 year old!! Preston's birthday started on Friday with his friends birthday party at laser quest. Then Saturday he had a party with his dad and that side of his family. Sunday was his real birthday. I re-did his room for him so when he came home from his dad's Sunday it was all done for him. Monday we had a family party at our house. I made Preston's favorite dinner, orange chicken and white rice. Just one more year and I have a teenager.....yikes....and he is just like me which makes it even scarier!!